Me and my OCD

The Mayo Clinic lists the clinical definition of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) on its web site:

Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a type of anxiety disorder in which you have unreasonable thoughts and fears (obsessions) that lead you to engage in repetitive behaviors (compulsions). With obsessive-compulsive disorder, you may realize that your obsessions aren’t reasonable, and you may try to ignore them or stop them. But that only increases your distress and anxiety. Ultimately, you feel driven to perform compulsive acts in an effort to ease your distress.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder often centers around themes, such as a fear of getting contaminated by germs. To ease your contamination fears, you may compulsively wash your hands until they’re sore and chapped. Despite your efforts, the distressing thoughts of obsessive-compulsive disorder keep coming back. This leads to more ritualistic behavior — and a vicious cycle that’s characteristic of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

My obsessions run around a few themes. The first and foremost is the safety of home – particularly as it relates to fire. I’ve never been in a dangerous situation involving fire, but I do have a serious fear of my home burning down due to something being left on, typically an iron or toaster oven. This fear is present even when I’m well aware that I haven’t had either one plugged in for days. And ever since that Dell laptop exploded, I’ve feared leaving my computer plugged in when it’s not in my presence.

Even now, I absolutely hate ever having to use lighters or matches. It’s probably one reason I am completely disgusted by cigarettes – though ironically, I like to smoke pot now and again. Fortunately, I have made a lot of progress in my checking habits. The urges are still there, but I can usually fight them well.

I also have a serious fear of being in car accidents. For this reason, I tend to avoid riding in cars as much as possible. Though I’m in my early 30’s, I don’t have a driver’s license and am only now learning to drive at my girlfriend’s insistence – a completely terrifying experience for me. I’m even extra-careful of cars when walking in the streets. If I catch myself not paying total attention to traffic as I’m crossing the street, I get upset.

Weirdly enough, I am absolutely in heaven when flying in airplanes.

I also engage in various food-related rituals. I am completely obsessive about having every single component of a meal hot and ready at the same exact time. My coffee gets its half-and-half 10 seconds before my eggs are done, which in turn are plopped on the toast that just finished.

I often crave the feeling of fullness in my stomach, and get extremely antsy when my mind fixates on a specific food. I get lightheaded, my throat closes up, and my mouth waters like crazy. Occasionally, I’ll even get a bit nauseous. One of my CBT exercises involves withholding food from myself when I get anxious about it. It’s one of the hardest. I’ve been lucky enough to never go hungry in my life – but I can’t shake this obsession with getting myself food at regular intervals. I try to miss meals here and there, but it’s really tough for me.

Then there’s the whole obsession with my keys, ID/debit card, and phone. I haven’t carried a wallet in over a decade because it would always slip out of my back pocket. I never go anywhere without my keys, ID, debit card, and phone. Even if I’m heading to the store around the corner while people are home, everything goes with me. It’s almost as if I’m anticipating some crazy emergency. On more than one occasion I’ve wondered whether I’m about to come home to a burning building.

If I had to put all this together, I’d say that I have a deep-seated insecurity about my body and home – that if I don’t watch out for every little thing, I’ll somehow be in danger.

This blog is still very new for me, but I’m already starting to regard it as a significant extension of my therapy. By attempting to explain myself to the outside world, I’m really gaining insights into myself. The process of breaking my complex thoughts and emotions down into digestible sentences is in effect forcing myself to do the type of critical thinking required to get the route of my anxiety.